Wet 5
by Osa P
Summary: More hot HieiKurama action! ho yeah! not really...just read the crap and review please.
1. Warning

Welcome to Wet 5  
  
This edition of Wet is not like the others, for it has two different versions. There is the normal version in which all the cussword's and inapropriateness is still intact. The other version, which I will deam the 'Holy as Fuck' version in which all of the cusswords and majority of the bad stuff has been edited out for younger viewers and those who do not wish to view vulgarity.  
  
I advise all of you who do not wish to view vulgar stuffs to not go anywhere near the normal version. Just skip right over to the 'holy as fuck' version and don't look back. For those of you who do not heed my warning I will not listen to your complaints, understand?  
  
If you are sure of yourself then please enter. If your not sure of yourself, you may still enter, just don't bitch at me.  
  
warnings: yaoi, cusswords, stoopidity, unspellchecked, yusukexkuwabara, political insults, bashing of 4kids and Shaman King  
  
haf warnings: extreme friendship, political insults, bashing of 4kids and Shaman King 


	2. Normal

Deep, deep, DEEP in the bowels of el diablo lurked a great and mighty evil. An evil that is so evil that it would wake up every morning, look itself in the mirror and tremble at it's reflection. It was so frickin' evil that when it walked down the street to Chang's grocery store everyone on the street had to stop and say 'damn, he's evil'. He was soooo undeniably evil that church members would look upon him as an evil that surpasses the devil himself. He was so butt-fuckingly evil that he wasn't even a he. He was a she. Now that's EVIL. mwuahahaha...haha....   
  
The afformentioned evil dominatrix mistress of doom destruction mayhem and towel whipping, a.k.a. BUSH, was plotting. And prostituting, but mostly just plotting. She'd found something overly intriguing over the last month. A boy. Not just any boy it seemed. It appeared that he was the one boy whom she could use for the most caniving of plans. Oh yes. This was sooo gonna work and get her another evil award from the evil brigade. She smirked oh so evilly for what seemed like the eighth time that day alone.   
  
"I'll just grab my lipstick and we'll get this whore show on the road", she said as she laughed maniacly and faded into the darkness.  
  
insert ominious track of choice: A) Nightmare B) .59 C) Hamtaro   
  
highlight track of choice and enjoy  
  
================  
  
Kazuma Kuwabara slowly opened his eyes to the glaringly beautiful world that was around him. Then he immeadiately shut them because it was too fucking bright and maybe God should turn the frickin sun down in the mornings. He tentatively opened his eyes again to find that the searing pain was only burning now. Much better, if you ask me. He looked over at his slumbering spouse. He was kinda nice looking as he slept. Pretty, actually, but you couldn't say that to Yusuke's face. Oh noooo... big bad half demon-boy could be called pretty. That'll chip away at his manliness. Chip away my ass..... If I have to deal with his mother fucking shit one more time I'll shove a tree so far up his ass his ancestors will feel it!  
  
Kuwabara blinked. That was a little out of character for him. It was almost PMS-like, and if there was anything that Kazuma Kuwabara didn't do then it was PMS. It wasn't manly. It wasn't appropraite. It just wasn't f'in possible. Unless you're Harry Potter from the Prisoner of Azkaban movie. twitch  
  
He shrugged off his odd behavior and sat up in bed. Or at least he attempted to. It's rather hard to sit up when your belly's potruding like something akin to that of Santa Clause. Kuwa's eyes widened as he stared down towards his feet, though totally missing them cuz he was so freakin fat. He tried to sit up again before failing and falling flat on his back.  
  
"Ok this is getting a bit bothersome," he muttered under his breath. Fortunately and Unfortunately that was enough to wake up his 'manly' partner.  
  
Yusuke blinked his eyes open slowly before sitting up in bed and staring at his lover. Suddenly he smiled briliantly. So brilliantly in fact that he proudly outshined the sun. That didn't help Kuwabara any, of course. The orange haired dude shut his eyes in a second attempt to block out harmful UV rays. You'd think that by now they'd have eyedrops with SPF 30 in them or something.   
  
Yusuke, noticing his lover's discomfort, turned down his smile a notch before his eyes went eerily chibified and kyute.   
  
"And just how is my little Ku-ku today?", he cooed as he pinched 'Ku-ku' on the cheek.   
  
Kuwabara twitched at the nickname and the bubbles that seemed to appear out of nowhere but were quickly filling the room. "Uhhh....I really hope you don't mean me, but knowing my luck...."   
  
"Oh, you're such a kidder Ku-baby!" Yusuke giggled. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he smiled, cracked open his jaws, and let out a kyute little burst of laughter a.k.a a 'giggle'. And it was at this point that all the Yusuke fans shat themselves. "Well you just save up all them jokes for later, alright Ku-muffin? You've got alot of work to do."  
  
Kuwabara twitched again. "Um....Yusuke, what do you mean I have alot of work to do?"   
  
Yusuke gently moved the hair out of Kuwa's face and placed his other hand on Kuwa's large belly. "Well", he smiled warmly, "You're giving birth today. The doctor said this is the day." His smile grew more endearing and fatherly.   
  
Kuwabara twtiched AGAIN now noticing that the bubbles had grown in freaquency and were being accompanied by sparkles as well. "Just what the hell are you talking about?!" He was suddenly feeling just a tad apprehensive about this whole situation.  
  
Yusuke helped his quite pregnant lover into a sitting position before he spoke again. "We're going to be daddies!" He puncutated the phrase with a squeal and by rubbing Kuwabara's tummy.   
  
And thus Kazuma Kuwabara screamed and he screamed loud and long. It sounded something like this: We're not even fucking married oh my God!!!!  
  
But young Kuwabara's screams went unnoticed for his lover had glomped his swelled stomach and refused to let go. To add to his distress a 15 year old girl with long orange hair had glomped the other side of his overly large belly and was also refusing to let go. Poor little bastard. mwuahaha.  
  
It was at this moment that said 'poor bastard' woke up and proceded to beat the shit out of his significant other. Unfortunately Yusuke always wakes up horny and fighting his lover turns him on immensely, so this'll turn into a hot raunchy lemon scene right about now.  
  
Yusuke grabbed his thrashing lover by the back of the neck and began kissing him thoroughly. In fact I do believe he slipped him some tongue. Yanno it's kinda funni, but I think he had a giraffe tongue. Huh. interesting.  
  
And so as he was fondling his mouth, Yusuke's hand reached down into Kuwabara's boxers and he decided to choke a chicken. Kuwabara made some sounds, but they weren't important. All that mattered was the quality of his boxers. Ohhhhhhh 100% breathable Shaman King boxers. SexAy....  
  
Yusuke finally let up for air and then flipped like a pancake so that he was now 'on top' as they say. He did some really wonky stuff with his hands at this point. Or should I say wanky. Haha. hoho....ha.... So anyways, Kuwabara kinda thrived under his 'sensual touch'. Then his black haired lover kinda undressed something or other. Maybe a salad. No one caught that joke. Wear a bikini.   
  
So at this point Kuwabara decided 'Like hell am I gonna let him take the lead!' and began working the Kuwa magic. So eventually his head was in Yusuke's crotch and all that and Yusuke mad some rather unimportant noises. Sooo yes.... how is everyone?  
  
Kuwa and Yusuke finally stopped all this crap and got down to an excellent game of 'hide the spirit sword'. I think Yusuke was winning cuz he seemed to be hiding the best. And once again with those unimportant sounds, but from both of them now. Yusuke kinda messed around with Kuwabara's nipples and all that, which I find really stupid. Haven't they ever heard of nipple cancer?? What about Sick Titty Disease?!  
  
And then there was some 'thrust thrust thrusting' and some 'fuck me bitch-ing' and some 'nanana-ing' and then finally someone shot a gallon of milk at a bullseye. The End.  
  
....  
  
........  
  
..................  
  
..  
  
.......... Yeah.......um.......ok.......right. Got it.  
  
After a rousing game of 'shoot the spirit gun in kuwabara's ass' they were both fully awake and ready to start the day. And start the day they did. It began with a nice shower in which they just had to play another game of 'shoot the spirit gun' followed by a light breakfast which included 'swallow the cylindrical breakfast pastry' followed by two more quick rounds of 'hide the spirit sword'. What an eventful morning they had, and to think they spent it all playing games.   
  
Well the boys had finally put their clothes back on and were ready to go out into the world and do what ever the hell they did during the day. So Yusuke went off to his dojo to educate the little chillins in the art of breaking necks and making sushi, while Kuwabara went on his merry little way to the office where he pushed papers around on his desk all day giving the appearance of a studious worker and got paid 20 dollars an hour for doing so.  
  
It was during this short walk to work that an ominious shadow bore down on our orange haired kidnapee. Well damn. Gave the story away didn't I? Whoops.  
  
The shadow seemed to bear a physical weight on the poor young man and he began to collapse under the pressure. And thus he did. And then an evil being flounced out of the shadows and practically molested his poor body in an effort to throw him over it's shoulder. This evil being was none other than the most evil woman thing-a-mabober in the world! The woman we mentioned at the beginning of the story! highlight this paragraph and go back and look, dammit!   
  
And thus our story begins.... shoots Keiko in the face  
  
==============  
  
Yusuke smirked. He so loved his job. Hell, he sooo loved his life. He had everything he wanted at the moment. A kick-ass job, a nice house, a hot roommate. Hell yeah he had everything he wanted. But every once in a while, deep in the night when he was all alone, he would think to himself and find that there was something missing. He knew that deep down he was not yet whole. He knew he had Kuwabara and the sex was great and his company not lacking, but still. There was that little things that nagged at the back of his mind, but he could never seem to bring it to the forefront and stab it with a knife that just happened to burn with the fire of a thousand evils.   
  
Speaking of knives that burn with the fires of a thousand evils, one of them knives flew straight past his head and decided to imbed itself into the wall. And of course Yusuke was teaching a class at the time which would surely gurauntee a nice helping of panic and pandemonium. However, this is Yusuke's karate class and he wasn't training them to be a bunch of pussies. The kids knew better than to cry or piss their pants. Well, all except for Mortemier. He was new. Then again, with a name like that he was destined to be a loser. Now maybe if his name were Manta....yeah... a good strong Japanese name. twitch  
  
Yusuke approached the knife, a gallstone of dread forming in his abdomen. 'That's really gonna hurt later.' He pulled the burningly evil knife out of the wall and noticed a small slip of paper attached to it. It read in clear, bloody, english lettering: REDRUM. He gasped and the children gasped as well though they couldn't actually see the note. It's one of those movie plot devices to raise tension and suspense. Yes, moving right along.   
  
He fingered the note as if trying to get a feel for who could've delivered the message. He was more than a little surprised when he heard his newest student cry out in pain. Poor Mortemier had rather unfortunately taken a knife to the head and was very close to suffering from a severe case of death.   
  
Yusuke ran to the young boy and yanked the knife out of his cranium spilling blood, brain juice, and flatulence all over the room and his students. Well, not really, but that would've been cool wouldn't it? Attached to this knife was a larger sheet of paper with the same red lettering. It read: Truly sorry about the first letter. It was ment for someone else, but as usual the one henchman I choose to employ screws it up, so disregard that letter if you please. I would like you to know that I have your precious lover held hostage and in no small amount of 'pain'. With that said, I cordially invite you to attempt to save your young fuck-buddy. It's being held at my Evol Lair and it's a casual affair. I'd very much appreciate it if you R.S.V.P as well.   
  
Se Suicider,  
  
BUSH  
  
P.S. Sorry that this letter is so messy, but it appears my red pen is leaking something horrible.   
  
Yusuke continued to stare at the note for the longest, not noticing the paramedics that came in and hefted the young student onto a stretcher. He never noticed the catholic priest that trailed behind the two EMTs. He failed to see the rather pleased parents of the young boy who walked in and applauded his handywork. He noticed nothing, except that his fly was open. Well, he noticed that second. First he noticed that the man more dear to him than the whole world had been kidnapped for a fifth consecutive time by pure rotting evil. Not even evil, really, but evol. It was during these moments that he felt like breaking down and crying the most. But he neverd did. No, he held his head high, adjusted himself, and punched Kurama in the face for continuing to wear his pink school uniform.   
  
Yusuke blindly wiped the blood off his hands as he stalked away from his dojo, only one thing on his mind. He left the injured Kurama, his students, and blood-rag Hiei as he began his long journey to find his one and only.  
  
Does anyone else think the Pokemon background music would go great here?   
  
====================  
  
The first thing he noticed after awaking was the pain in his head. The second thing he noticed was that he felt vaguely violated. And holy crap I just pinched my muscle! Damn that hurts! I mean for goodness sakes- um.....yeah.... uhhhh He felt around at his crotch and found that his pants were overly rumpled. He felt a chill go down his spine. Had he been....?  
  
"Oh, about that. I'm rather sorry. I didn't molest you on purpose, it's just that your a hell of a lot heavier than you let on."  
  
At this Kuwabara looked up to meet the eyes of his newest captor. It was unfortunate that it was a beautiful woman. A beautiful defenseless looking woman. What made it worse is that she was actually a woman this time.   
  
She had long shining black hair down to her ankles, secured only by a small hair tie at the base of her neck. Her skin was an impossible mixture of pure milk white and rich dark coffee. Her eyes were silver and seemed to swirl with each breath she took. She was truly a beauty. The fact that she was decked out in her best dominatrix gear and was brandishing a whip was a little bit of a turn-off but she was gorgeous nevertheless. Kuwabara was shocked to say the least.   
  
"Hmph. Just what the hell do you think your staring at? Hmm?", her voice was sharper than before for she was uncomfortable when hit on and/or stared at.   
  
Kuwabara's eyes widened. "Um...nothing, it's just that your really really-"  
  
"Oh for God's sakes! Your gay! You're the last person I expected to hear that from! Now shut the hell up and get ready to be tortured!" She was becoming a tad bit annoyed, or at least it appeared that way on the surface. Deep down she was just very uncomfortable with her life and herself.  
  
"You're just gonna torture me immeadiately? Everyone else has to explain their life's mission and then attempt to taunt/molest me!"   
  
"That's where all the others went wrong. I don't have to explain anything to you. I just have to make you feel pain." She cackled. "Let's see how much you like fire on your important bits!" And I promise she's so self-conscious.....  
  
===================  
  
Yusuke was running. He was running faster than ever and with good reason. This was the only evil villian he'd faced that seemed to have any sense at all. Maybe even a little too much. Fright was constantly dancing on his entrails as he ran. But did he know where he was running to? No, of course not. And was he going to stop and ask someone for directions? Hell no! Was he just going to run around aimlessley unti some busty black chick throws a rock at his head and directs him to where he needs to go? Hell yes!   
  
As Yusuke ran he passed by a rather mangy looking bum. The bum didn't look so bum-ish though. He kinda looked more evil henchmany. And he had a wonderful singing voice.  
  
"Oh when it all, it all falls down. I'm tellin you ohhhh it all falls down..." Beautiful really. He could get an awesome record deal. Worse yet, he could win American Idol and be chained to their record company for the rest of his life. But he really was damned good.   
  
Too bad Yusuke wasn't in the mood to hear music. Too bad Yusuke shot him in the face as he was passing by. Too bad that was the henchman that BUSH had fired only half an hour ago. Too bad BUSH knew that Yusuke wouldn't stop and ask for directions and would totally ignore the artfully placed henchman. Too bad fire......  
  
=================  
  
......kinda turned Kuwabara on. Then again, why wouldn't it after spending so much time with Kink Master Urameshi? Yeah, so fire, so not working.  
  
BUSH was becoming just the tiniest bit aggrivated. "Why in the hell are you actually enjoying this?!" Ok, maybe she was really aggrivated. BUSH lashed out at the poor defensless horny boy with whips, chinese water torture, pointy things, the whole bit. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Ok, dudes I seriously meant to say that she was pissed as a patch of grass next to a brick bar wall down on 28th St. That's pretty pissed.  
  
Kuwabara, however, was having a great deal of trouble focusing on her anger. Could he help it isf Yusuke had very interesting sexual quirks? And it's not like he was always on the recieving end. It went both ways like with any good long-lasting relationship. But it wasn't like he was enjoying the torture, not really. Your mind says one things but your body says another. Kind of a creepy thought, huh?  
  
So, anyways, BUSH was really fucking mad that none of her apparent 'torture' seemed to be affecting the young man. Well, not in the way she wanted. However, she was never one to lose her cool and tried not to waste any oppurtunity she was given.   
  
"Kazuma," she smirked oh so evoly, "You seem to be enjoying yourself, are you not?"  
  
Kuwabara shook his head panting a bit.  
  
"Oh, but it does so look like you're getting into this." More evol smirking.  
  
Kuwabara shook his head more furiously, his eyes shut tight.  
  
"I do so wonder what Yusuke will think of all this. I mean after all this is like cheating on him, is it not?"   
  
Kuwabara's eyes snapped open. His eyes then narrowed. He glared at the woman standing above his prone body, lasers about ready to shoot from his eyes. Oh, and they did. Seriously, lasers shot from his two .....ajfoajofuoauf colored eyes and burned a whole right through her arm. There was like blood and guts that kinda flew out one side of the whole, all charred and shit, before they vaporized. Lemme tell you now, that's really fucking kewl!  
  
BUSH was not expecting this, but she refrained from screaming. "It appears that I have underestimated you, little Kazuma. I can easily fix that." She picked up a rather different object from all the others. It was about 12 inches long, cylindrical, flat on one end and blunt and rounded off on the other. It was rather bumpy up the side as well. All in all it looked like a penis.   
  
Kuwabara's eyes became impossibly wide and he just about peed himself. "Holy shit! You're gonna rape me!!" Freak out freak out!  
  
She blinked at him. "What the hell do you take me for?" She placed an indignant hand on her indignant hips which she was indignant over because she had a ghetto booty. "Ch'. Rape you...honestly.....", she said as she rolled her belligerent eyes. Trust me kids, eyes are always belligerent. Always.   
  
BUSH opened a compartment on the .....um..... oh for chrissakes! opened a compartment on the PENIS. P-E-N-I-S, PENIS! Don't give a fuck what it is, it's what it looks like! In any case, she opened a compartment on the penis and bunched some rather conveninent buttons.  
  
Kuwa looked at her questioningly. He was a bit surprised when a large screen dropped down covering a whole wall of the torture room. Plot hole.  
  
Yusuke appeared on the screen, still running, but now with a slight concussion. The black girl came early and with a vengance that day. BUSH smirked as she pressed another button on the penis at which point Yusuke fell to the ground, spasming, almost as if he were having a ...... um....Oh God......  
  
The orange haired man gasped at the sight, barely keeping himself from calling out his lover's name. What horrible thing had the horrid woman done to his horny life-partner thing?   
  
BUSH cackled oh so evoly as she was prone to do. Now, tell me that ain't insecurrre, The concept of school seems so securrre,Sophmore three yearrrs aint picked a careerrr......  
  
Then Kuwabara finally realized what was going on. He was freaked out because he thought he was going to be raped. Then he was horrified because he found out she was going to torture Yusuke now. Then he was freaked out remembering that he almost got raped, but was horrified that his lover was to be tortured after freaking out thinking that he was going to be raped. Then he was horrified realizing again that his lover was to be tortured, and freaked out because he was almost raped, and then horrified after his initial realization of lover torture, and freaked out over believing he was to have his cherry popped by a fake penis weilding evol bitch. Of course this last sentence would work if he still had said cherry. wink wink.   
  
He continued to watch in horror as his lover was continually tortured on the screen. Then he thought, 'damn, I'm really freakin stupid!' He glared at BUSH's hands and using his new-found laser eye powers shot the evol penis from her hands. And thus it lay on the ground charred and bent, much like Jaun's. damn inside jokes, eh?  
  
As suddenly as this had happened BUSH turned and began wailing on his ass. She was using powers and skills he didn't even know she was capable of. Unfortunately he powers of mass evolness appeared in the form of tentacles. So there was this horde of evol tentacles just wailing on his ass...... Oh hell.......  
  
Kuwabara was screaming almost as though his soul were being ripped from his throat. Anyone with in a 2 mile radius could probably hear him. And they did, for just before carrot top was about to pass out from the sheer pain of it all, Yusuke, in a blaze of glory!!, rushed in and pimp-smacked tentacle girl in the face!   
  
She was caught a bit offguard, but shook away the pain. BUSH was something akin to a ghetto black girl with a cheating husband. Really fucking scary and tough as ziploc tuppaware! Yeah that's right, you had to freakin burn her face off for her to even let out a whimper. nod nod Scary.  
  
The black haired bitch wasted no time in launching an attack at Yusuke, one of her long tentacles turning sharp and deadly at the end aiming right for his heart.   
  
Yusuke wasted no time in letting out a whale of a spirit gun and blowing her to millions of aqueous pieces. I'm tellin you ohhhh, it all falls down.....  
  
The half-demon ran to his lover's side and embraced him, head on his shoulder and vice versa. Kuwa even found the strength to embrace back. It was sweet, really. So sweet that large, neon colored bubbles began to appear out of no where. This seriously creeped both Kuwabara and Yusuke out so they decided to have 'cleansing sex'. Cleansing sex isn't the same as make-up sex or morning sex. It's what happens after one half of a pair is violated and is done merely out of neccessity. So, see, there's a real difference.  
  
Kuwabara was laid down on the ground, gently as to not aggrivated his inuries further. Not like the sex was going to help, but it was truly needed. Yusuke lay on top of him and kissed him deeply. He started moving his hands around and stuff too. In fact he moved one of those hands into the convenient hole near the crotch of Kuwabara's pants. And thus, once again, Kuwabara made some really unimportant sounds.   
  
So Kuwa was just kind of fucking around for a bit making funky noises and crap. Pardon the pun folks. Then Yusuke whispered in his ear. "I don't care what she did to you. I'm here and I promise to make it all better." As he uttered this the bubbles began to reappear. He twitched but ignored them.  
  
Things got really hot really fast, kinda like Kazima's microwave. I mean Jesus loves you it heats up fast! You pop something in there for 5 seconds and it's hotter than an male naked asian prostitute! So yes, they were steamy. Oh ho! Steamy....  
  
Yusuke spent a great deal of time undressing his lover, especially on the sneakers. Kuwabara had on his Yugioh sneakers and oh are they hawt. He slowly untied the laces, every undone not a farther turn on than the last. Once it was untied, he loosened the top of the shoe so as not to hurt the important bits that laid within. Then oh so sensously he slipped off the shoe. Damn, Yugi never looked so hot!  
  
Both he and Kuwabara were making those stupid noises again as they were getting into another game of 'shoot the spirit gun'. It lasted for like 3 hours! Long time, right? Well, in the end they kinda sorta orgasmed and lived kinda happily ever after. Especially since Yusuke finally got an effin clue and proposed to his hunny right after nanana. Yay, they said. But now you're wondering what happened to BUSH. You're thinking she was the evilest villian of them all, how could she just die just like that? Well the truth of the matter is, she's not dead. Now way in hell could such a welll thought out villian die in one fic!  
  
The poor young lovers only thougth they were safe, but no... A far greater form of evil still lurked in the shadows. And it swears it never meant to molest anybody. Never.   
  
As for Kurama and Hiei, they were once again neglected in this story and or hurt. In fact Kurama was still hurt and Hiei was still wet. However, I do believe that this time they were quite pleased about it if you know what I mean. And for those of you who don't, just assume it's raunchy as hell.  
  
As for Mortemier, he finally died on the way to the hospital. His parents failed to noticed that and moved to Bangledesh where they were killed for neglecting their only son. You should never neglect a child no matter how much of a pussy he is. Besides, it's their own damn fault for naming him fucking Mortemier! Morty was given another chance at life and was reborn. Unfortunately it was into the body of a boy formerly known as Luffy, but after being molested by 4kids was just another loser with a tacky english name.  
  
As for the orange haired girl from Kuwabara's dream, she's probably laughing her ass off right now. Yay.   
  
======================  
  
thanx for reading kiddos. plz click dat litto review button in the corner and we'll see just how fast i get out the next part of the 'wet' series. btw, the next installment will b more of a side fic and will b treated like one. so look out for Wet 5.5 sometime later this week. umm...... Yay weasles!! rolls  
  
disclaimer: I do not own yyh, pokemon, shaman king, kanye west(tho i want to), 4kids(thank God), dj taka, hamtaro, santa clause, yugioh, or anything else i may hav mentioned. plz don't sue me. all u'll get is an ulcer and a pair of goggles. 


	3. Holy As Fuck

Deep, deep, DEEP in the bowels of el diablo lurked a great and mighty evil. An evil that is so evil that it would wake up every morning, look itself in the mirror and tremble at it's reflection. It was so amazingly evil that when it walked down the street to Chang's grocery store everyone on the street had to stop and say 'fruitcake, he's evil'. He was soooo undeniably evil that church members would look upon him as an evil that surpasses the devil himself. He was so crab-shoesily evil that he wasn't even a he. He was a she. Now that's EVIL. mwuahahaha...haha....   
  
The afformentioned evil leather seamstress of doom destruction mayhem and locker room antics, a.k.a. BUSH, was plotting. And selling crafts, but mostly just plotting. She'd found something overly intriguing over the last month. A boy. Not just any boy it seemed. It appeared that he was the one boy whom she could use for the most caniving of plans. Oh yes. This was sooo gonna work and get her another evil award from the evil brigade. She smirked oh so evilly for what seemed like the eighth time that day alone.   
  
"I'll just grab my lipstick and we'll get this muffin show on the road", she said as she laughed maniacly and faded into the darkness.  
  
insert ominious track of choice: A) Nightmare B) .59 C) Hamtaro   
  
highlight track of choice and enjoy  
  
================  
  
Kuwabara had a bad dream. It was horrible because he'd lost his kitty.  
  
Kuwabar and Yusuke shook hands. What a comforting gesture. They also gave each other high fives and performed their special handshake.  
  
After playing candy land all morning, they got ready for work. So Yusuke went off to his dojo to educate the little chillins in the art of breaking necks and making sushi, while Kuwabara went on his merry little way to the office where he pushed papers around on his desk all day giving the appearance of a studious worker and got paid 20 dollars an hour for doing so.  
  
It was during this short walk to work that an ominious shadow bore down on our orange haired kidnapee. Well fruitcake. Gave the story away didn't I? Whoops.  
  
The shadow seemed to bear a physical weight on the poor young man and he began to collapse under the pressure. And thus he did. And then an evil being flounced out of the shadows and practically poked his poor body in an effort to throw him over it's shoulder. This evil being was none other than the most evil woman thing-a-mabober in the world! The woman we mentioned at the beginning of the story! highlight this paragraph and go back and look, fruitcake it!   
  
And thus our story begins.... shoots Keiko in the face  
  
==============  
  
Yusuke smirked. He so loved his job. Harmonica, he sooo loved his life. He had everything he wanted at the moment. A kick-zebra job, a nice house, a good roommate. Waffles yeah he had everything he wanted. But every once in a while, deep in the night when he was all alone, he would think to himself and find that there was something missing. He knew that deep down he was not yet whole. He knew he had Kuwabara and the sports were great and his company not lacking, but still. There was that little things that nagged at the back of his mind, but he could never seem to bring it to the forefront and stab it with a knife that just happened to burn with the fire of a thousand evils.   
  
Speaking of knives that burn with the fires of a thousand evils, one of them knives flew straight past his head and decided to imbed itself into the wall. And of course Yusuke was teaching a class at the time which would surely gurauntee a nice helping of panic and pandemonium. However, this is Yusuke's karate class and he wasn't training them to be a bunch of kitties. The kids knew better than to cry or cats in pants. Well, all except for Mortemier. He was new. Then again, with a name like that he was destined to be a loser. Now maybe if his name were Manta....yeah... a good strong Japanese name. twitch  
  
Yusuke approached the knife, a gallstone of dread forming in his abdomen. 'That's really gonna hurt later.' He pulled the burningly evil knife out of the wall and noticed a small slip of paper attached to it. It read in clear, bloody, english lettering: REDRUM. He gasped and the children gasped as well though they couldn't actually see the note. It's one of those movie plot devices to raise tension and suspense. Yes, moving right along.   
  
He fingered the note as if trying to get a feel for who could've delivered the message. He was more than a little surprised when he heard his newest student cry out in pain. Poor Mortemier had rather unfortunately taken a knife to the head and was very close to suffering from a severe case of death.   
  
Yusuke ran to the young boy and yanked the knife out of his cranium spilling blood, brain juice, and flatulence all over the room and his students. Well, not really, but that would've been cool wouldn't it? Attached to this knife was a larger sheet of paper with the same red lettering. It read: Truly sorry about the first letter. It was ment for someone else, but as usual the one henchman I choose to employ tools it up, so disregard that letter if you please. I would like you to know that I have your precious lover held hostage and in no small amount of 'pain'. With that said, I cordially invite you to attempt to save your young shoe-buddy. It's being held at my Evol Lair and it's a casual affair. I'd very much appreciate it if you R.S.V.P as well.   
  
Se Suicider,  
  
BUSH  
  
P.S. Sorry that this letter is so messy, but it appears my red pen is leaking something horrible.   
  
Yusuke continued to stare at the note for the longest, not noticing the paramedics that came in and hefted the young student onto a stretcher. He never noticed the catholic priest that trailed behind the two EMTs. He failed to see the rather pleased parents of the young boy who walked in and applauded his handywork. He noticed nothing, except that his dojo was open. Well, he noticed that second. First he noticed that the friend more dear to him than a whole lot of people had been kidnapped for a fifth consecutive time by pure rotting evil. Not even evil, really, but evol. It was during these moments that he felt like breaking down and crying the most. But he neverd did. No, he held his head high, patted himself on the back, and nodded Kurama in the face for continuing to wear his pink school uniform.   
  
Yusuke blindly wiped the sweat off his hands as he stalked away from his dojo, only one thing on his mind. He left the happy Kurama, his students, and sweat-rag Hiei as he began his long journey to find his one and only.  
  
Does anyone else think the Pokemon background music would go great here?   
  
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The first thing he noticed after awaking was the pain in his head. The second thing he noticed was that he felt vaguely violated. And oh mudwrestling I just pinched my muscle! Fruitcake that hurts! I mean for goodness sakes- um.....yeah.... uhhhh He felt around at his face and found that his skins were overly rumpled. He felt a chill go down his spine. Had he been....?  
  
"Oh, about that. I'm rather sorry. I didn't poke you on purpose, it's just that your a harmonica of a lot heavier than you let on."  
  
At this Kuwabara looked up to meet the eyes of his newest captor. It was unfortunate that it was a beautiful woman. A beautiful defenseless looking woman. What made it worse is that she was actually a good person this time.   
  
She had long shining black hair down to her ankles, secured only by a small hair tie at the base of her neck. Her skin was an impossible mixture of pure milk white and rich dark coffee. Her eyes were silver and seemed to swirl with each breath she took. She was truly a beauty. The fact that she was decked out in her best leather gear and was brandishing a tool of evil was a little bit sad but she was gorgeous nevertheless. Kuwabara was shocked to say the least.   
  
"Hmph. Just what the harmonica do you think your staring at? Hmm?", her voice was sharper than before for she was uncomfortable when hit on and/or stared at.   
  
Kuwabara's eyes widened. "Um...nothing, it's just that your really really-"  
  
"Oh for tartar sauce sakes! Your joyous! You're the last person I expected to hear that from! Now shut the harmonica up and get ready to be tortured!" She was becoming a tad bit annoyed, or at least it appeared that way on the surface. Deep down she was just very uncomfortable with her life and herself.  
  
"You're just gonna torture me immeadiately? Everyone else has to explain their life's mission and then attempt to taunt/poke me!"   
  
"That's where all the others went wrong. I don't have to explain anything to you. I just have to make you feel pain." She cackled. "Let's see how much you like fire on toast!" And I promise she's so self-conscious.....  
  
===================  
  
Yusuke was running. He was running faster than ever and with good reason. This was the only evil villian he'd faced that seemed to have any sense at all. Maybe even a little too much. Fright was constantly dancing on his entrails as he ran. But did he know where he was running to? No, of course not. And was he going to stop and ask someone for directions? Harmonica no! Was he just going to run around aimlessley unti some nice black lady throws a rock at his head and directs him to where he needs to go? Harmonica yes!   
  
As Yusuke ran he passed by a rather mangy looking bum. The bum didn't look so bum-ish though. He kinda looked more evil henchmany. And he had a wonderful singing voice.  
  
"Oh when it all, it all falls down. I'm tellin you ohhhh it all falls down..." Beautiful really. He could get an awesome record deal. Worse yet, he could win American Idol and be chained to their record company for the rest of his life. But he really was fruitcaked good.   
  
Too bad Yusuke wasn't in the mood to hear music. Too bad Yusuke shot him in the face as he was passing by. Too bad that was the henchman that BUSH had fired only half an hour ago. Too bad BUSH knew that Yusuke wouldn't stop and ask for directions and would totally ignore the artfully placed henchman. Too bad fire......  
  
=================  
  
......kinda turned Kuwabara chocolatey. Then again, why wouldn't it after spending so much time with Really Good Person Urameshi? Yeah, so fire, so not working.  
  
BUSH was becoming just the tiniest bit aggrivated. "Why in the harmonica are you actually enjoying this?!" Ok, maybe she was really aggrivated. BUSH lashed out at the poor defensless pointy boy with tools of evil, chinese water torture, pointy things, the whole bit. "What the shoe is wrong with you?!" Ok, dudes I seriously meant to say that she was cryed as a patch of grass next to a brick antique store wall down on 28th St. That's pretty cryed.  
  
Kuwabara, however, was having a great deal of trouble focusing on her anger. Could he help it if Yusuke had very interesting manlyquirks? And it's not like he was always on the recieving end. It went both ways like with any good long-lasting friendship. But it wasn't like he was enjoying the fish sticks, not really. Your mind says not to do drugs. Kind of a creepy thought, huh?  
  
So, anyways, BUSH was really shoeing mad that none of her apparent 'fish sticks' seemed to be affecting the young man. However, she was never one to lose her cool and tried not to waste any oppurtunity she was given.   
  
"Kazuma," she smirked oh so evoly, "You seem to be enjoying yourself, are you not?"  
  
Kuwabara shook his head really really sad.  
  
"Oh, but it does so look like you're letting me do this." More evol smirking.  
  
Kuwabara shook his head more furiously, his eyes shut tight.  
  
"I do so wonder what Yusuke will think of all this. I mean after all this is like ignoring him isn't it?"  
  
Kuwabara's eyes snapped open. His eyes then narrowed. He glared at the woman standing above his prone body, lasers about ready to shoot from his eyes. Oh, and they did. Seriously, lasers shot from his two .....ajfoajofuoauf colored eyes and burned a hole right through her arm. There was like bodily fluids, before they vaporized. Lemme tell you now, that's really shoeing kewl!  
  
BUSH was not expecting this, but she refrained from screaming. "It appears that I have underestimated you, little Kazuma. I can easily fix that." She picked up a rather different object from all the others. It was scary.   
  
Kuwabara's eyes became impossibly wide and he just about peed himself. "Oh malady! You're gonna buy some candy for me!!" Freak out freak out!  
  
She blinked at him. "What the harmonica do you take me for?" She placed an indignant hand on her indignant hips which she was indignant over because she had a ghetto booty. "Ch'. Buy you candy...honestly.....", she said as she rolled her belligerent eyes. Trust me kids, eyes are always belligerent. Always.   
  
BUSH opened a compartment on the scary thing and bunched some rather conveninent buttons.  
  
Kuwa looked at her questioningly. He was a bit surprised when a large screen dropped down covering a whole wall of the fish sticks room. Plot hole.  
  
Yusuke appeared on the screen, still running, but now with a slight concussion. The black girl came early and with a vengance that day. BUSH smirked as she pressed another button on the scary thing at which point Yusuke fell to the ground, spasming, almost as if he were having a bad day  
  
The orange haired man gasped at the sight, barely keeping himself from calling out his budd's name. What horrible thing had the horrid woman done to his pointy friend thing?   
  
BUSH cackled oh so evoly as she was prone to do. Now, tell me that ain't insecurrre, The concept of school seems so securrre,Sophmore three yearrrs aint picked a careerrr......  
  
Then Kuwabara finally realized what was going on. He was freaked out because he thought he was going to be bought candy. Then he was horrified because he found out she was going to fish sticks Yusuke now. Then he was freaked out remembering that he almost got bought candy, but was horrified that his friend was to be fish sticked after freaking out thinking that he was going to be bought candy. Then he was horrified realizing again that his friend was to be fish sticked, and freaked out because he was almost bought candy, and then horrified after his initial realization of friend fish sitcks, and freaked out over believing he was going to be bought cherry candy which he hated.   
  
He continued to watch in horror as his friend was continually fish sticked on the screen. Then he thought, 'fruitcake, I'm really amazingly stupid!' He glared at BUSH's hands and using his new-found laser eye powers shot the evol scary thing from her hands. And thus it lay on the ground charred and bent, much like Jaun's. fruitcake inside jokes, eh?  
  
As suddenly as this had happened BUSH turned and began wailing on his gear. She was using powers and skills he didn't even know she was capable of. Unfortunately he powers of mass evolness appeared in the form of straws. So there was this horde of evol strawa just wailing on his gear...... Oh hell.......  
  
Kuwabara was screaming almost as though he stubbed his toe. Anyone with in a 2 mile radius could probably hear him. And they did, for just before carrot top was about to pass out from the sheer pain of it all, Yusuke, in a blaze of glory!!, rushed in and hurt straw girl in the face!   
  
She was caught a bit offguard, but shook away the pain. BUSH was something akin to a pretty ethnic lady with a mean husband. Really shoeing scary and tough as ziploc tuppaware! Yeah that's right, you had to amazing burn her face off for her to even let out a whimper. nod nod Scary.  
  
The black haired female dog wasted no time in launching an attack at Yusuke, one of her long straws turning sharp and bad at the end aiming right for his heart.   
  
Yusuke wasted no time in letting out a whale of a spirit gun and making her cry. I'm tellin you ohhhh, it all falls down.....  
  
The half-demon ran to his friend's side and embraced him, head on his shoulder and vice versa. Then they shook hands and gave a high-five. Yay. But now you're wondering what happened to BUSH. You're thinking she was the evilest villian of them all, how could she just die just like that? Well the truth of the matter is, she's not dead. Now way in hell could such a welll thought out villian die in one fic!  
  
The poor young friends only thougth they were safe, but no... A far greater form of evil still lurked in the shadows. And it swears it never meant to molest anybody. Never.   
  
As for Kurama and Hiei, they were once again neglected in this story and or hurt. In fact Kurama was still hurt and Hiei was still wet. Poor them.  
  
As for Mortemier, he finally died on the way to the hospital. His parents failed to notice that and moved to Bangledesh where they were killed for neglecting their only son. You should never neglect a child no matter how much of a kitty he is. Besides, it's their own fruitcake fault for naming him shoeing Mortemier! Morty was given another chance at life and was reborn. Unfortunately it was into the body of a boy formerly known as Luffy, but after being poked by 4kids was just another loser with a tacky english name.  
  
As for the orange haired girl from Kuwabara's dream, she's probably laughing her gear off right now. Yay.   
  
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End file.
